The goals of my life strike not a common chord. So tension and frustration make up the tongue that licks my wounds. Though these goals come from inner thoughts, they lie outside the common social structure and evolve from feelings deeper than the myopic soup of collective population…
…Thoughts of prayer, not towards one’s self, but towards others…
…Thoughts of unselfish sacrifice, no matter how small…
…Thoughts of visitors in deepest night, coloring life…
Walk through life with head raised high, but without pride. Voice loud, without hate. My spirit learning values of Love through experiences of pain. Teaching others to live life without animosity.
I have lived many lives compacted into this one lifetime. Now, writing this at a time when I have gathered so much around me, I am still pursuing my other lives. Lives that I have lived but have yet to remember. That sounds so strange, and yet that is how my life has been. Strange. Vast. Isolated in my thought patterns as most philosophers and writers are.
Where does that feeling of not belonging stem from? I have no idea. There was no catalyst in early childhood that would explain my aberrance to the idea of how our governments execute policies, or the ‘zombie’ like work force of the modern day. At least there was no catalyst in the contextual framework of the Information Age Paradigm that I grew up in. But there were episodes or events outside that paradigm that had shifted my thinking, drawing my personal understandings of life into a myriad of exotic conjectures that no one other than my identical twin brother could relate to. Though as I grew older my father became less conservative and we have, and still do, enjoy immensely our endless ramblings of a convoluted universe, to borrow Dolores Cannon’s perfectly defined term of reality.
Will, my identical twin brother, and I began experiencing strange phenomena when we were pre-teens which greatly contributed to our growing discomfort in adhering to the conformity of the day. There was something more to this life than just what we were being taught. From radio dials on FM radio bands changing without anyone around (this was before everything became digitized, so the dial had to be turned physically) to an incident with a ghost sighting in our house. Funny noises like pots and pans crashing in the kitchen, but when investigated nothing was out of place and our dogs didn’t even wake up. Waking in the nighttime unable to move, scared, trying desperately to scream and wake up Mom or Dad sleeping just a short hallway away. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to find the bedroom door or a light switch.
Actually the missing bedroom door is a good story as it involves both Will and I, each confirming that the incidents had indeed occurred and were not some sleepwalking episodes. It went something like this…
When Will and I were young, perhaps 11years of age I would guess, we had unusual experiences during the night time hours. One of significant importance was being lost inside our bedroom. It must sound strange, yet this is exactly the dilemma we had experienced a number of times during our youth.
It would start as either Will or I would have to get out of bed late in the night. Say for example, to go use the bathroom. There was an inherent knowledge of where the bedroom door is located do to the fact that we rarely, if ever, switched beds from one side of the room to the other. As you would walk into the bedroom, I would always sleep on the right-hand side, Will the left. As you walked into the bedroom you would see on the east wall, the same wall the bedroom door is located, our closet which was lengthy, but shallow in depth. Following your gaze counter counter-clock wise, you find on the northern wall a window that looked out onto Ridge Blvd. with my bed underneath. Always there was a faint light shining through due to the street lamps that automatically turned on after dark. Circling round, on the west wall was a smaller window looking out towards our neighbor. It was centered between Will’s and my bed. Still going round Will’s bed was on the south wall, then back to the bedroom door located on the East wall.
The waking part was never remembered between Will and I, which I consider understandable in the context of this being in the middle of the night. But one of us would, in the occurrence of having to use, for example, the restroom, get out of bed and look for the door out of the bedroom. I could not find it. Try though I might, (I will use first person as it will be easier for the reader to follow, though these occurrences happened to both Will and I) it wasn’t there.
I would stand up out of bed and be facing Will’s bed directly across from me. The light entering the room would be extremely faint, to the point that we could not see defined objects. If I walked straight ahead I would run into Will’s bed, with which my bed and window (window looking out on our neighborhood street) was directly behind me. Easy enough. With Will’s bed directly in front of me (on the south wall) all I would have to do is walk to his bedside, turn left, and walk forward. The door was situated in the southeast corner of the room, on the east wall. So, once I reached Will’s bedside, just turn left, walk forward, and there’s the door. But it wasn’t there.
Time to wake Will up. I would call for him and of course he would wake up. “Will, Will!” He would stir and wake up. “I can’t find the door,” I would say. And the search would start. What was going on!? The room was probably 12’x12’ with a closet and the bedroom door on the east wall, my bed and a window looking out to the street on the north wall, a window looking out to our neighbors on the west wall, situated between Will and my bed.
All you had to do was walk to the wall that didn’t have a window on it or a bed, and there would be the closet. Just feel over to your right and the doorknob is right there. The light switch was right there! It is that easy! But somehow, it wasn’t.
When this would occur we would never find the door. We briefly spoke to our Mom about it, but all she said was that we were either dreaming or sleepwalking. We are twins and never thought it weird that it was happening to both of us at the same time, if it was a dream, hallucination, sleepwalking, or whatever.
But now, I wonder why my Mom would even say that, because with two people involved, how could it be a dream or sleepwalking? Then again, what else was she to say?
This had happened a number of times. Details elude me; this was 20 or more years ago. But Will and I have a unique ‘checks and balance’ in that we are twins and were pretty much never apart until our raucous college days.
We have not talked about these ‘paranormal’ events from our youth very often nowadays. The constraints of adult life shackle past youthful anomalies into the obscure and once shadowy corners of the mind. But when revisited we find them incredibly peculiar as there is no explanation as how things of this nature could have taken place, especially in our present world paradigm dominated by Newtonian and Freudian thought and the overdevelopment and reliance of scientific methodology. Ah, the unforgiving Western world. But there is hope! The witnessing and research of quantum insights correlating with ancient myths, spiritual teachings, and the like by such respected scientist/philosophers as Albert Einstein, Richard Fenyman, Fritjof Capra, David Bohm, Irvin Laszlo, and many others has secured a permanent foundation to place this new paradigm the world is experiencing.